Jennifer,

I'm sure a lot of us can relate to what you've written. It's a lifelong quest for a lot of folks. I wouldn't be at all surprised if you get a variety of specific "programs" or approaches from folks here, that have worked for them. Part of the problem is... when you're lost, lonely, and feel like you're drowning, it feels like survival to grab whatever promises to work. At least it has for me. But if the promise doesn't live up to the reality, it's easy to become cynical, or to just go on to the next promise with a little less trust. So the quest can actually make it harder to gain intimacy, if that makes any sense.

In a way, it's easy to say "my chakras" need healing, like getting a tooth fixed. Here, it sounds like *you* need to heal, on all levels. And to grow and feel yourself growing. Not knowing you, I won't pretend to tell you what you need to do, but I've found a couple of things that generally help,and won't hurt. :)

When you feel isolated, books don't help that. I've found that dancing does, though. You'll probably have to kind of avoid getting "picked up" which usually only is temporary and makes it worse in the long run Being an older guy, I don't have that issue, but I've certainly seen it a lot. FInd a club that's "safe", don't drink much, and dance by yourself. Let the music pull you, and flow through you. It helps to feel connected, because the whole room kinda syncs up, and music is connecting. Go with friends if you feel safer that way, and do it regularly. It's not as "mechanical" as working out, and it still gets the endorphins going.

Try doing a Zen style meditation regularly. Breathing and focusing on your breath really helps detach from the sorrow. And try to volunteer with a directly charitable activity regularly. Food banks and feeding people are really good, because in providing nourishment on a physical level, you provide it all on levels - and you do get back what you put out.

None of those directly address "being intimate", I know. But the idea is to get yourself centered, and to a place where you can then make some good choices for yourself, including what kind of more direct work you want to do.

I hope that's helpful. You CAN get past this, and feel the joy of living again.

Peace and blessings.
Greg

Yes, I can relate.

Most tantric classes will include many exercises that can also be done solo. You might want to start practicing solo and taking workshops solo. You'll get practice, have an opportunity to work on yourself, and also have opportunity to meet some potential partners in a relatively safe environment.

Most of Margot Anand's books include exercises that can be done solo also. Even if a partner appears to be required, do the exercise while imagining a partner, (although many don't even need a partner).

As for hectic, as with anything else, there's some commitment required. If your life is completely full as it is now, then you may not have time, attention, or energy for either tantra or a new relationship right now. Practicing tantra solo can help you sort out priorities, if that's necessary, but it does require some time commitments. And if finding room for joy is a priority for you, then practicing solo can be a great route towards creating that opportunity.

sometimes, you may want to try to get rid of metal labels..
and just become aware of what is manifesting physically..
it you feel wrestles.. notice the sensations in your body: stomach, breath, skin, throat..etc..
and calmly watch it change and move around..
it may sound weird, but ..talk to it..talk to your tingly gut and tell it that you notice what it's feeling and that you love the stomach.. that you will be there for it.. to take care of it..to see it heal pass the sensations..(it's a form of self compassion.. a form of self-intimacy).
If you get nagging thoughts..those mental labels.. simply become aware that for now.. you will simply treat them as passing thoughts.. like a movie projection that will pass soon..

try to have an easy going attitude about it. .as if it's no big deal..just loosen up and let the emotions go through their motion..

once you can notice the whole cycle..
you can start figuring out what the body is saying..what it needs..and figure how to nourish it in a wholesome way..

try to slowly, step by step..get rid of aspects in your life that aren't helping you..
Try to hang out with people you wish to model yourself after.. that can help you, not hold you back.

healing happens moments by moments..a slow progression of discipline.. of mind training.. of emotional intelligence..

that is the best I can think of right now..

I am a survivor of childhood abuse that was pretty severe. I had in part because of the childhood abuse a few rapes that happened as well because I felt I had lost my voice and couldn't say no. Or when I said no the no wasn't listened to. I used to be so totally disconnected from myself sexually that I couldn't orgasm and I would just go through the motions to please the other person.

I still don't enjoy masturbation as much as I enjoy when I am twining energies with another person. Some of that has to do with my body size too though and not being able to reach parts as much as I would like to be able.

When I was 30 I finally orgasmed with a partner for the first time and OMG it has been great since then. I started to slowly reconnect with myself on many levels and find the pleasure that I knew would be there but never really was there. But it took a lot of work for myself.

Friends help. Talking about sex with others to break the taboos we hold in our heads help. Talking about intimacy with ourselves and with others helps too.

In 2007 I participated in the Masturbate-a-thon that the Center for Sex and Culture sponsers each year. It was a great experience. Then in June of last year I had an injury that I am still trying to recover from. I am better but it was pretty bad (sexual vaginal fisting injury) and it tripped a lot of the old stuff back to the surface. I am still frustrated about it but not as much as I was initially.

I am relearning other areas of my body that can be sexual/sensual and where I can feel pleasure. I am having to relearn how to be back in my body again. I hate that the injury happened but at the same time I can be grateful for the lessons I am having from it. I am growing and expanding more than I had before.

Reiki could be helpful to you and bodywork about traumas past. Just touch could be helpful too with a person you trust and by just yourself. I think in part just yourself is important or it was for me. But there is importance both with yourself and with another.

I wish you well in your healing. For me I had to feel the pain before I could feel the pleasures of my body. Not everyone is like that though and different things work for different people. You might also try to sex therapist to help you through this as well. Someone who works with intimacy issues and past abuse.

The dancing with yourself comment was good too. Take care,

chel